Paging Mr. Negative - Please don't make yourself known

This week's Hump Day Hmm (hosted by Emily this week) is about a challenge I have faced and how it affects me and how I handle it.

I was planning to write about the changes I am making in my life - the walking, etc. - but as I was walking on Sunday, something kept happening to me. I kept thinking about how I supposedly couldn't do things.

The thought hit me then and there that the challenge that I am truly facing is really huge - my persistently negative attitude and thoughts. I have always tended to put these thoughts into my head, and if I allow them to dominate my thinking, prevent me from bringing myself to my true potential.

I know that this will sound to some of you like I'm making an excuse for not trying to figure out where they come from, but they have been in my mind for so long that I do not know where they came from. I have faint memories of my grandfather saying that nobody was any good at anything (except himself of course). I also think that my one brother has something to do with it, because he has made a name for himself in his field and might wind up working in the Middle East (not in Iraq or on an oil rig in case you're wondering) if things go well for him.

I've always looked up to him and, while we are both very intelligent, I have always thought of myself as inferior to him. In fact, I see myself as inferior to a lot of people; you might say that I have an inferiority complex, and that successes for me which I should celebrate are always put in my mind as things I could have done better at, or I see someone else who has done the same thing better than I have done it and I beat myself up over it.

This inferiority has been a part of me so long that for me to change it is difficult because I think I have grown accustomed to it and have put it in my head that it's right to be down on myself. That is, I think, a major source of where my negative thoughts come from.

Something else contributing to the negativity is that I don't give myself the reocgnition for things that I do. For example, I've taken an idea that a couple of us had to put scam emails out there on a blog, so that people could search for the contents of these mails, find the blog, and know that it is a scam.

As of the last time I looked at the stats, two of the blogs have had over 100,000 pageviews in just over a year, and 2,000 views since the first of this month. The others have had slightly less views, but are also successful in their own right. I thought nothing of it, but now I realize that this is something that I should definitely be proud of; and the greatest part is that I do nothing to keep them running - they are fed automatically by sending emails to a designated address, and automatically posting them to the blog.

Really, for me, some of this negativity also goes back to when I was working. I've discussed my story previously, but thinking about it, what happened was that because of, really, crossed messages - me wanting to get a start in life, and quite a few people in the office (my boss included) wanting to bignote themselves, it led to disaster. In the end, it led to heartbreak for me.

The same thing happened when I found a group of people who I was working with on some scam support projects. I thought that their motivation was to help potential victims, which was the motivation for most of us. However, it turns out that they were just wanting to bignote themselves, just like my boss and a lot of the coworkers I was with. I've stuck it out in, essentially, a hostile environment for well over a year, holding onto a hope that maybe they would finally change and see that I'm not the root of all evil.

However, the change never came along, and now I have made the determination that I have to take myself out of the equation, move on and put all the negative baggage from that behind me. I also never took the time to properly move away from the work situation, especially when you consider that I hear regularly about how the company is going.

Fortunately, I am going to be getting some professional counseling later on this month - the first "introductory" appointment is on the 23rd, and then the first actual counseling appointment is on the 31st. This negativity will be among the main issues that I will be talking about with the counselor.

I already have some tools to combat the negativity, the primary one being that if I sense a negative thought coming along, to forcibly replace it with a positive thought. It goes a bit like this - I start to think "I'm not any good at this", then I say to myself "I am too good at this, stop it". This goes on for a little while until the negative thought goes away.

Do you have other tools that can help with removing the negativity? Have you found yourself facing this same challenge in the past? If so, what have you done to rise above it?

I've got a good thing going...

...and you're looking at it. I've put in a bit of hard work into making this blog all that it is right now, but there is a lot of work still to come.

When I started the blog, I kind of figured it'd be like my previous attempts at blogging - I'd be interested in it for a while, but then I'd get distracted by some random shiny object and give up on the blog. However, and a lot of thanks has to go to Snoskred for this, I have stuck it out and here I am today, posting every day and getting comments on almost every post I make now.

One of the areas that I've made the biggest progress in is getting out there into the blogging community. While I'm not the best participant in the community - I still have the tendency to be a lurker on blogs, and not make too many comments - it is a far cry from when I would only read blogs if I found them on the "next blog" button or in the unlikely chance that I had actually bookmarked them.

The biggest change in my participation in the blogging community came in November of last year when the NaBloPoMo challenge was going on. Between Snoskred and I, we had set ourselves the goal of commenting on every participating blog.

While we didn't quite get to all of the blogs in the list, we did get through a large chunk of them and through it found some great blogs that are still read today. I am looking forward to getting the details of this year's event, but so far there has been noting mentioned about it yet.

After NaBloPoMo, the blogging went along well until I actually did get distracted by shiny objects - mostly getting back into scambaiting and other things involved with that, which led me to forget about the blog almost completely. In fact, I went almost a whole month without posting anything because it wasn't a focus for me at the time.

Then, in May, I started to get back into the blogging and really got into the community aspect of blogging by joining up with Bumpzee and creating the US Blogs Community. I've also, as I'd mentioned previously, gotten involved in commenting on more blogs regularly now than I had in the past.

However, the next change is coming soon, with moving this blog over from Blogger to WordPress. I've been doing some learning on the platform over the last few weeks, and over the next week, I'm going to focus on getting the whole system down pat and transitioning this blog over to there.

What you'll need to know about the transition is this - if you are subscribed to my FeedBurner feed, then there should be nothing in the change. Similarly, if you had subscribed to my feed when it was still on the blogspot address, that will remain forwarded to the FeedBurner address and not be an issue. If you have subscribed to my feed via this domain, then you will likely lose the feed (unless I can sort out a way to ensure that the address of the feed is properly forwarded).

During the transition, I will turn the publishing of this blog back to the Blogspot address and depending on how long it takes for your ISP to recognize the new location of the domain, the site will not be available for upwards of one to two days.

After the transition is complete, and dependent upon other factors (such as the possibility of me getting a job out of the house, I've not gotten any offers from anyone, but I'm keeping my options open and getting my name out there), I'll be becoming more active within the blog community. I'll also get my act together and get posts pre-written; I've already got ideas for posts for every day through next week Saturday with the exception of two days.

This week's Hump Day Hmm.. is about A Good Thing Going. If you've not participated in the Hmm yet, next week's topic is: "A challenge in my life and how it affected and affects me". Of course, you can still get in on this week's topic as well.

A helpful kind of guy

The topic for this week's Hump Day Hmm.. is about How I Matter.

One of the most important ways that I matter is that I am a very helpful person, and always willing to be out there to help out. It's something that I've shown quite often here on the blog, with offering to do how-tos for things that I might not know how to do before doing it, but learn how and share the information with everyone.

For me, it's just second nature to lend a hand if someone asks; it's not about my ego, it's about giving the helping hand. Sure, if the helping out does result in some side benefits, I'll usually accept it, but it really is about being a nice guy.

Outside of the blog world, I am also quite helpful around the house (even if the outside appearances might be different from the reality). I am usually the one who cooks dinner every night; I fill the gas tank in the car (considering that a couple of years ago I had no clue on how to do that, that is a big step for me). I also make sure that the trash is out by the road every week and go to get the mail in each day.

Most of the time, I am helpful in small ways, such as when I went to the clinic the other week, I offered to give up my chair for a lady who had her children and her mother with her. I didn't have to do it, but in my mind, it was a case where I can see that she needs the seat more than I do, and I can always find another seat. A little bit of a side benefit for me was that she was a native Spanish speaker and had an interpreter with her, so I figured I could use a bit of my skills in the language to "show off" a little bit, but also to make things more comfortable for her, for which she was quite appreciative.

The most helpful thing that I've done recently is to assist my mom when she was recovering from a somewhat-minor surgery she had back in May. This surgery involved having to be mostly laid-up for a couple of days with a piece of equipment that kept the affected area cool and able to heal effectively. This meant that I'd need to go in and refill a small cooler with ice every couple of hours.

I will admit that it wasn't the least stressful time, as it did get somewhat frustrating to be called in repeatedly for something that was forgotten, or for other reasons. I managed to make it through the recovery, and even was able to take the dressings off when it was time to remove them (even though I was quite squeamish about it).

The best part about being helpful is that I feel that I have put a good impression of myself on anyone I've come across. It's something that I'm proud of, that's for sure. It's also something that I really like to do, because it does give me a good feeling, one that tells me that I do matter.

It's also a major factor in why I do volunteer. As I had mentioned when I blogged about it, the folks that work there are very appreciative for the things that the volunteers come in and help out with. In fact, I've just phoned now to let them know that I'll be in on Friday to volunteer all day.

Why do you dress like that on a plane?

This week's Hump Day Hmm is a bit of a lighter topic. Take something and find the humor in it; write about it from a humorous angle, sarcastic, any way you want. There's still time to get involved, it's only noon on the east coast. ;)

Over the last couple of days, there have been a couple of stories about women being told that they're dressed too skimpily to fly on Southwest Airlines. It just doesn't make any sense to me at all.

While the passengers were totally within their rights to wear what they did (and there is nothing in the Southwest Contract of Carriage (PDF) that specifies a dress code), what I don't get is the circumstances they found themselves in.

Let's look at the first story. Kyla Ebbert was told to get off of a plane because she was wearing clothes that was "too revealing". Well, yeah, she was dressed in something that could be considered to be showing off her stuff - there's absolutely nothing wrong with that (and honestly, she looks pretty darn good in it). However, it just doesn't add up.

First off, she claims that she was flying from San Diego to Tuscon for a doctor's appointment. Is there a shortage of doctors in San Diego? Matt Lauer never bothered asking why she was flying interstate to see a doctor, and it certainly doesn't sound like her family lives in Tuscon. The next issue is the question of why in the world she was wearing these clothes to go to the doctor? This is the outfit in question -

I don't know about you, but when I go to the doctor, I try to wear something sensible - full length pants at the very least; it's not that difficult to do, and certainly not that much of an expectation for anyone. The story gets better though.

Apparently she has a really good doctor which she doesn't have to sit in the waiting room for very long as she had only 2 hours to see them before having to get back out to the airport to board her return flight. Therefore, she didn't get different clothes to wear for the return trip, and on this occasion, she was actually complimented about her clothes.

The second story involves someone called Setara Qassim. Although her episode happened before Ms. Ebbert's, she first came forward with her story after the first one aired on the Today Show. She was asked to cover up on a flight from Las Vegas to Burbank in June. In this case, she's wearing clothes that is less revealing than the first girl (and honestly, it doesn't look good on her), but still "felt the same way" that the other girl did.

It all sounds a bit fishy to me. Why did the second woman wait until after seeing the story on the news to make a point that the same thing happened to her? How come the station didn't wait a day to get a response from Southwest before going to air on the story?

The funny thing is that both of these women decided to get on the plane wearing clothes that just shouldn't be worn on a plane in the first place. In the second case, if it's true that she was asked to put a blanket around her for the flight, what would have happened if there was an emergency? Never mind the fact that she'd have issues with the clothes she had on in the first place, would the attendants still have the same hardline attitude towards her clothes when going down the slide?

Another strange thing is why anyone cared what they were wearing in the first place. It's not like any other passengers complained about their clothes (or so they claimed). Maybe it's just one old frumpy woman who had the issue with their clothes. Or a cranky old man. We'll probably never know the full story.

If you want a primer (not that y'all do need one, this is pointed at those who don't quite understand what to wear when flying) for what to wear, I recommend that you read Snoskred's guide to plane clothes. I guarantee that if you follow her guide, you'll never have to file a frivolous lawsuit against an airline for being told to cover up. ;)

Maybe they should recommend that if you have a dumb name like Kyla or Setara, you should pass up on flying? I don't know, but I have this feeling that if they were called Kylie or Sandra, there'd be no issue. Oh well....

Issues of Value

This week's Hump Day Hmm is about values. This is timely due to the situation that Senator Craig from Idaho finds himself in. To be honest, I hadn't heard of him at all until this all came about; partly because he's from way out west, but also because he just doesn't have that high of a profile in the Senate.

However, the question of his treatment in the media is certainly an interesting one. For years now, the Republicans have been campaigning as the supporters and defenders of "traditional" values. Because of this, you now have a situation where, if someone who is a Republican winds up in a situation like Senator Craig's, they are completely vilified.

The closest comparison that I can draw is when the former Governor of New Jersey, Jim McGreevey (Democrat) came out of the closet a couple of years ago. When that happened, it was seen as a moment that should be celebrated, with him and his wife (they're now separated however) appearing on various TV shows up and down the dial. The coverage couldn't have been more different.

The discussion of values obviously goes beyond one's sexual preference, into what you believe and what you tolerate. It used to be that you could have your own beliefs and values and have the right to belong to whatever groups you wanted to. Now, it seems that if you are part of one group, you must subscribe to all of that group's beliefs.

Again, in the world of politics, it is considered to be almost taboo to be a pro-choice Republican or a pro-life Democrat. That doesn't mean that there have been, are, and will be successful exceptions to the rule, but the chances of that happening are becoming slim. I am sure that if one of the exceptions made it to the running for a national office, they would have attack ad after attack ad questioning their "values".

I personally feel that your values are yours alone; they should be influenced by your experiences and those of the people around you. They shouldn't be dictated to you by a person you've never met, or by a sheet of paper handed to you when you sign up for something.

Another example is that all around the country, you're seeing these votes come up to institute constitutional bans on same-sex marriages. In my state, we voted on it last November. I voted no because I didn't think we needed to have a constitutional amendment to reinforce something that was already clear as day in the laws of our state.

However, the people who were saying to vote yes to this measure were saying that if you voted no, it would mean that the day after the election, you'd have people clamoring to get the laws of the state changed to allow same-sex marriage.

The bit that really tipped me off to voting no on this measure was that it was a very confusing and opened the door to preventing unmarried straight couples of having the same benefits as married couples (such as living trusts and will executorships, of which I'm not totally clear of the laws on, so I might not be qualified to talk about it ;)). This is the text of the amendment:

[Article XIII] Section 13. Only a marriage between one man and one woman shall be valid or recognized as a marriage in this state. A legal status identical or substantially similar to that of marriage for unmarried individuals shall not be valid or recognized in this state.

The second sentence is the part that created a lot of confusion. If you read it with the widest understanding, it could be conceived to block these benefits and privileges to all unmarried couples.

The really interesting thing is that although the polls were showing it was going to be a close fight, it passed comfortably at 60-40. Even though I was against the amendment, I can accept that it passed and that it is now part of our constitution. In fact, since the election, you haven't heard anything further about this causing trouble for unmarried couples, so I guess you could almost say that it didn't change anything, except reinforce the laws we already have.

Here's where some people could get confounded by the fact I voted against it. I am to the right of center on the political spectrum. I believe that the government shouldn't be getting in the way of personal business, and that they shouldn't be forcing new regulations down our throats. I also believe that, when it comes to the "big" values question - abortion - there are a lot of choices that are made on the path to choosing whether or not to terminate a pregnancy. I don't like the idea of aborting a pregnancy, but I do think that if the mother-to-be decides that it is best for her, for any reason, to end the pregnancy, she should have the right to do that.

I know it is a touchy subject, but if you wish to share your outlook on it, or on anything I've mentioned, please do so. ;)

Lastly, on the topic of exceptions to the rule, once again, The West Wing did this wonderfully with the election at the end of the series. They made the election between two pro-choice candidates, one a Republican from California and the other a Democrat from Texas. I don't like to spoil the show for y'all, but if you have the chance, watch an episode from the final season called "The Al Smith Dinner" - it confronts the challenges of a pro-choice Republican running for national office.

Back to School Shopping...out of control!

This week's Hump Day Hmm is all about school. There are a lot of stories that I could tell about my days at school, but I want to take a different look at going back - the school supply list. It's one of those things that are a big flashing sign to tell you that it's time to go back; they have the lists available at most major stores now, unlike in my day when they'd just mail you a list and you'd get on with it.

Of course, this is designed for the parent who lost their shopping list sometime during the summer (or for the parent of the kids who didn't want to go back to school...I remember being terrified about going back to school for the second grade, each year after that got better though...until college ;)), but anyone walking by can grab one, two or half a dozen.

I can not honestly remember ever having a list of things required for school as long as they have for this school year. Of all the junk I've kept over the years, I've not kept my school supplies lists, but I'm going to try to do a comparison based on what I recall. ;)

4K

This stands for 4-year-old Kindergarten. When I started school, they had a different term for this - "preschool". I didn't go to preschool, but I'm guessing that the required supplies were minimal - maybe a small bookbag and the occasional snack for the class.

Now, you have schools giving these toddlers (really, I think 4-year-olds are still toddlers) lists of items to bring in that include scissors, folders, backpacks, and even glue sticks. There's one school that is giving parents the option of bringing in gift cards to Wal-Mart for photo processing. Last time I checked, photo processing at Wal-Mart cost 19¢ per photo - 100 photos would then be $19. It makes me wonder how many photos they're going to print out over the year...

Kindergarten

I think when I went to kindergarten, we might have had to have a backpack, but it was rarely, if ever, used. We might have needed to bring in a pack of crayons, but other than that I don't remember a big shopping list like they have today. Then again, when I was in Kindergarten, it was only in the afternoon, not an all-day affair like you have today.

I think it's mostly due to that single change to all-day school that the schools are now asking for a list of items that you would normally see for first grade, or even second grade. The schools are now asking for kids to bring in upwards of 25 glue sticks (the rationale is that buy them now when they're cheap - that makes sense actually; it's something you see across many of the supply lists).

As you move up through the grades, there are some interesting similarities. For example, in first grade, schools are now asking that the pencils all be sharpened so that the teachers can give out pencils as the students use them. During the six weeks I was in first grade (which is a story for another day ;)), I was allowed to have my own pencils; if we needed a new one, we just got up and sharpened it, if it was a new pencil, we just had to sharpen it for a bit longer.

I also remember that by the time I was in third grade, we were allowed to have erasable pens - blue or black, however, most of us chose to stick to pencils; now, you have to be in 5th grade before being allowed a blue or black pen, but if you're in 4th grade, you have to have a red pen (or pencil). Ahh, the days of "hand your paper to the person behind you; here are the answers". I don't know if it was just me, or a lot of people, but there was a distinct style of writing 100 on a paper - you made the one, and then wrote the "00" as if it were two capital Os, making something that looked like this -

Another trend that I've noticed is that schools are now asking for color coded folders. What happened to getting just x number of folders? I remember getting folders of different colors, then labeling them with the subject; we all used different colors, and different designs. I guess that the concept of individuality is now frowned upon in schools?

Moving up to Middle School - grades 6-8 in my area - you have pretty much the same requirements as elementary school, but there are some added items. For example, they tell you the exact calculator you are to have for school - TI-30X IIS Advanced Scientific, needed for all 3 years; I had a Casio calculator that did the same things; I bet it was cheaper as well.

In 6th grade, you need to have a 3-ring zipper binder (so much for all the prohibitions of trapper keepers for all the previous years, now they tell you that you need one!), also 2 dry erase markers and a set of highlighters. 7th graders are required to bring 2 inch-and-a-half binders, a compass, graph paper, and a composition notebook. In 8th grade, you need to have two binders - one at 1½ inches, one at 2 inches. They also require a jump drive - at least they haven't said how big it has to be, but it is an improvement over a floppy disk. ;)

I think I made it through middle school using maybe 2 binders - a small one in 6th grade, then a larger one in 8th grade. Interestingly, there is no prohibition on the type of paper that students can bring for middle school - it used to be that you were only allowed to have wide rule (and it is still that way for students in elementary school). Of course, I always went to college rule since it was more efficient, and my teachers never made an issue of it ;)

Fortunately, by the time you get to high school, there are no lists of things to bring for class. You're pretty much expected to have a general idea of what to bring. If you're needed to bring other supplies in, the teacher tells you. As it is, one of the common restrictions - no wheels - was one that I ignored in high school, being one of the first with a wheeled backpack (which I later abandoned for a more traditional bookbag, one that I use every day now when I go out to walk).

What I'd love to know is what were you asked to bring to school when you were there - was it the laundry list, or just bring the basics? If you have kids in school now, do the required items seem ridiculous compared to when you were in school?

We all need good Neighbors

This week's Hump Day Hmm... is all about being a good neighbour. I am quite lucky to live in an area where all of our neighbours are good, apart from the odd bit of noise.

In the past, however, the story was slightly different - we live close to a bar, and before some circumstances changed, we would have issues with their patrons using our driveway to turn around in. We also would hear their music on the weekends quite regularly - I think that they must have been told to close the doors or something so that they weren't providing the whole neighbourhood with a drumbeat. ;)

On the other side of us, we have a group of folks who just like to keep to themselves, including ourselves. One of our neighbours is so good at it that nobody - not even the people living directly across the road from them - knows who they are (they also don't have a name on the mailbox); all we do know is that they put up a teepee from time to time and have a small and quiet gathering there.

Generally, the most noise generated by the neighbours comes from them running small engines - lawnmowers, dirtbikes and ATVs - the last two in particular can get somewhat annoying when they're run for hours at a time. However, we take it in stride and don't let it bother us too much. The same goes for the fireworks that get done around the 4th of July; normally, we will go out and enjoy the show. :)

The noisiest neighbour, however, is one that I barely notice because I have lived her all of my life - the trains. They've been running through the same place they always have been for well over 150 years without fail. The biggest change since then (with regard to noise) has been the fact that they stopped using their horns about 4 years ago when they took away the level crossings that they had to signal for.

Interestingly, it was the trains that got me into two of my favourite hobbies - radio monitoring and photography. The radio hobby came as a part of a box that they put in about ten years ago that tells the crews the status of their train - number of axles, if there are any faults, et cetera. With the photography, I wasn't as interested in taking photos of trains until around 2000 when we got a video camera, and then I started to take more photos of trains. They've always been a fascination for me, especially considering that I've seen representatives from all the major railroads go through.

Thinking back to college, I was also fortunate then to have some decent neighbours - they rarely were overbearingly loud - you would have to expect some noise since it was a dorm, and since I was in a quad with 5 people in it my first year, we had enough noise on our own to suffice. Also, where I was living was almost off campus, in fact, across the street could have been considered "off-campus", with a slightly higher sales tax than on campus. The folks that lived over there were just as quiet as the neighbours here, if not more quiet.

As far as any advice I'd have to be a good neighbour, I'd say that if you're holding a party, let the folks around you know, that way they can prepare - they might even let your guests use their land to park on if needed. Also, try to get to know your neighbours - you never know if they might be necessary to help you with a project or in an emergency.

A couple of notes - No, I've never seen the show that the title came from - we don't have it on TV here (not that I'd watch it anyway), and Yes, I know that since I'm an American, I should spell neighbour without the u - just deal with it. ;)

It's not all about race

This week's Hump Day Hmm... is a continuation of last week's theme of Racism, Society and the Internet. Last week, I discussed my views on race and its role on the world we live in today. Today, I'd like to talk about some other types of discrimination that are legal, but are just as bad as racism or sexism.

One thing that I've faced for a long time is my weight. I'm well overweight, and I feel that is has held me back in some way. Because I am so large, it is hard to find clothes that fits me properly that is not a T-shirt or sweat pants. As a result, I often look different from the rest of the crowd. I've only owned three or four pairs of jeans in my life, but I've never been comfortable in them - mostly because I probably bought pants that were maybe one or two inches too small in the waist and a couple inches too long in the leg.

So where does the discrimination come in? People will look at me and (this is my assumption) think that, because of my outward appearance, I am a lazy slob. Some people will just ignore, or be polite, and others don't have a problem with my looks, but I think that in the couple of companies that I've gone for an interview, they must have taken my appearance into consideration.

The same goes if you aren't "good-looking". What is good looking? I don't know, and I really don't care, but there are a lot of people who will treat you differently if you fit their view of "good-looking" If not, then you'll be treated with basic respect, or complete ambivalence.

Another type of discrimination that I've witnessed is based on the qualifications you have. For example, I have been trying for over two years to get a job, after losing the only job I had ever held. I've completed some college, and have a High School diploma. I send my resume to companies, but all I ever hear back from them is that they've received it and will contact me if I would be a good fit for the position. I have heard back from maybe three or four companies, but it was only a letter telling me that I didn't have the qualifications they were looking for. Last year, I contacted a couple of temp working agencies, and one of them brought me in for the whole spiel - typing test, interview, asked what kind of jobs I was looking for. However, they never contacted me with any work. Another agency I gave my details to said that they'd contact me if they had anything that I'd fit in. Can you guess what happened here? Nothing! It's been over a year and they have not contacted me!

When I think about it, I go to a not-good place - one where I feel like I'm not employable by anyone. The thing is that I know that I am - I have massive computer skills, but they overlook that when they see that I haven't had a job in two years, or something. That's why you see a paid post from time to time on here. It's a way for me to make some money, but it doesn't cover all of our needs. I am also selling some stuff on Ebay, and we have a lot of old stuff around here that we have no attachment to that we're willing to part with. I might even be able to start an Ebay consignment business if there is enough interest. I know that there are people in my area who, if the price was right, would be willing to sell their items through me. I'm also actively looking for blogging jobs, but it is difficult to find a job that is a fit for me which provides a guaranteed income (i.e. not paying based on a percentage of advertising revenue).

As if that wasn't enough, the fact that I don't have a full drivers license is a block to employment as well. There are a lot of jobs (not just in car lots, or delivery or sales) that call for a valid license - right now, I'm not in a position to apply for those even though I do have a valid learner's permit. This is something where I know how to change it, and can do it. I just need to refresh myself of the basics of driving.

My question is, have you ever been discriminated on based on these factors? Also, what is the best way to get my foot in the door with a job? Should I be applying at every single shop and store and gas station to see if I can get in there?

A question of race

This week's Hump Day Hmm... is about race and the role it plays in our modern society.

Personally, I've lived, with the exception for the time that I was at college, in an almost all-white community. To us out here, one minority in the vicinity would be considered diversity. I remember back in 1998, I was having a discussion with a relative about diversity, and I made the remark "We're getting more of them out by us now". Without realizing it, I basically made it sound like I was regretting the fact that our corner of the world was becoming integrated. And I was rightly chastised for saying that.

Today, I don't mind that the area becomes more integrated. Supposedly, we live in an area where the major city is a "minority-majority" city, with about 55% of people living there belonging to one minority group or another. It's just a natural progression that, as they become more affluent, they would want to come out to my area for a number of reasons - a lower crime rate is one, but we also have slightly lower taxes out here. In fact, until the new store opened up, it wasn't uncommon to have folks take the long drive out from the city to get to the Wal-Mart Supercenter located out in this area.

While I like to think that I'm not totally biased when it comes to race and ethnicity, I think there is a part of me that, because of where I was brought up, has some racist tendencies. It certainly shouldn't be confused with someone who has no tolerance for other groups, or the Klan types who think that the only society that is right and proper is white society. What I experience are the little ticks that come from being insulated from other groups.

For example, while I was at the mall yesterday, I'd see groups of young black folks walking, and my natural tendency was to build in some distance between me and them. Naturally, they probably didn't care if I was there or not, but I noticed them - they were keeping to themselves, yet I had some kind of instinctive reaction to put that distance in. I don't know if that's exactly racist or if it's just a case of being aware of my surroundings and wanting to avoid making contact with people, but it's an interesting reaction when you think about it in this manner.

On the other hand, I don't think that there should be institutional thinking based on a person's skin color or heritage. One story that was in the news last week was how the University of Wisconsin was going to change their admission guidelines. Everything sounded fine, including adding a provision about looking at a person's socioeconomic background. Where the problem came in was the inclusion of a person's "racial and ethnic heritage". In other words, if you're from a minority, you're going to have a better chance of getting in than a potentially more-qualified person from the white community.

Personally, I think that is reverse discrimination. I think that programs such as affirmative action have led to many minorities thinking that they are entitled to almost anything even if they do not qualify for it. What the standard should be is equal access - if you're in a competitive environment, like college admissions, or in the business world, it should be the qualifications you have which lead to you getting that position, not your race.

A great example of that, I think, is the internet. While there are definitely bloggers who are minorities who notice the "institutional" problems from people like marketers, it doesn't matter to me what color a person is, provided they have good content. One thing that came to my mind when thinking about this idea is that a couple of my favorite blogs are from people with East Asian backgrounds. My favorite podcast is the mrbrown show, from Singapore where, from time to time, you will have some Cantonese spoken. I always enjoy listening to it because it's fun and I get an insight into another culture far away from here. The other blog that I thought about was The Food Pornographer. TFP is an Aussie of Chinese descent, but I wouldn't have ever known that if I hadn't read the FAQ page, because I like reading her posts and always like looking at the food that's available in her part of the world. That's the kind of information that is interesting to learn, but it doesn't change my opinion of them, if anything, it makes me respect them even more.

This is something that I think you're going to see more of as the Arabic world starts to get involved in the internet, where great content will start to come out of different places and it will be the content of that person's writing that comes to mind first, and not where they're from. That is the great thing about the internet because here, there is no need to reveal your background, but for the most part you do because it is what you are, and there is no reason to hide it.

Are we a long way from solving the race problems in this country and in a lot of the world? Definitely, but hopefully the Internet is taking the role of the "great equalizer" for everyone - no matter your race, no matter your income - so hopefully we don't have to have these discussions anymore and be a single nation of many faces.

How much is too much?

The topic for this week's Hump Day Hmm... is a pretty wide topic - Too much of a good thing.

For me, the thing I've always had too much of has been food. While I was in college, I had access to the dining hall, and almost always would fill two or three plates of food. I can remember having a plate filled with chicken nuggets, and eating them all. If it was breakfast, I'd have two eggs, and a whole bunch of sausage links and bacon. Generally, if it was there, I'd take it. Some days, I'd have a salad, but that was in addition to the full lunch or dinner I'd have. Along with that, I'd have a glass or three of soda, and they'd also get finished. I would also bring my own cup along so that I could fill up with soda before going either back to my dorm room or out to classes.

In my dorm room, the situation wasn't improved - I'd have candy and snacks of all kinds available for myself, and the vending machines weren't far away, so that I could get myself a candy bar (though it was usually two or three at a time) and take it back to my room.

Of course, my overeating goes to before college. I've always thought that I needed to have two of everything - two steaks, two pork chops, two hamburgers, two chicken breasts - for it to be a meal. We would have fruits and vegetables here, but it wasn't a constant supply and I would regularly ignore them in preference to having the junk food.

All in all, it is too much food. On top of all that is the fact that I would drink way too much soda. There would be days where I'd drink four cans in a day - or more. I'd have soda with breakfast, lunch and dinner, and then have one at night.

However, there is good news in all of this - the first thing that I've done is weaned myself from drinking soda. First, it was two cans a day - lunch and dinner. However, I was still drinking diet soda. One day in May, I was given a couple of links that showed the effects of aspartame (the sweetener in diet soda) - Health effects and Dorway. Interestingly, one of the effects seen in people who consume aspartame is depression. Another thing that I learnt is that if it's let to sit for long enough, Diet Coke disintegrates partly into turpentine.

From that day until about two weeks ago, I was having one can of regular Coke a day. The first couple of days of not having Diet Coke, I was a bear - almost as if I were quitting smoking after doing it for years. However, that passed within a couple of days and I was feeling better. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I was given a link to 9 great reasons to drink water, which led to me drinking more water, and now I've gone over two weeks drinking pretty much only water - the only other liquid I have is milk with a bowl of cereal in the morning. To think that I've gone from two sodas a day to none in such a short time is amazing, considering that I've had soda around me all my life. In fact, not 10 feet from me sits six 12-packs of Coke, purchased when it was on sale on the thought that I'd have a supply to last about two months or so; honestly, I'd now rather walk to the kitchen, fill my glass (or my bottles when I'm walking) with tap water than grab a can of soda.

Now, with the eating, I've started to cut back on that as well - the basic thought being that when you go to a restaurant, you don't order two steaks or two chicken meals, and yet you leave there feeling pretty full. For a while now, I've had a lunch of a chicken breast with either just an avocado or a salad. Alternatively, I will have a Lean Cuisine meal. For dinner, I've just started cutting back on the quantity of food I eat, and so far I've done quite well - tonight, I had almost a whole pork chop before I started feeling full - a little while ago, it would have been two full ones, no matter how full I felt.

It's just another step in my changes, and stepping away from too much of a good thing - changing it to good things, just in moderation.

PC Paralysis

This week's Hump Day Hmm discusses something that bugs me quite a bit, and I'm not that old - Political Correctness. Naturally, it doesn't bother me that it does actually exist, but I feel that there is a sense of paralysis that results from the supposed need to be PC.

The paralysis comes in one of two forms - either you change what you say to practically negate any true meaning you're trying to achieve, or you just don't say anything at all for fear you might offend someone. I know that I'm guilty of doing both, more the second than the first. However, it's not all concerns of offending anyone that would keep me from saying anything - I would always assume that someone else would come along and say exactly what I was thinking.

I've now learnt that this isn't always the case and that there are usually people who are in the same spot as me - they want to say something, but are afraid to do so or just don't bother because they assume that someone will pick up their slack. However, there are some circumstances - such as when the person you're speaking to just doesn't like you, or they think that you have some kind of secret agenda - where it is best to say nothing because if you do, you know that the discussion will likely wind up being one of the past and of the present.

In fact, that was one of the reasons why I started blogging again - so that I could say whatever I wanted whenever I want. There isn't the worry about my words having direct consequences over my participation in one site or another. I've also found that, more recently, I'm not visiting the same sites that I used to before I started blogging - for example, I find that I'd rather be reading through various blogs in my Google Reader where I have a wide variety of viewpoints, rather than in forums where it's seemingly always the same four or five people posting their ideas.

However, where you really see the paralysis is out in the political world. However, it's not the bloggers or the talk show hosts that show the paralysis - it's the politicians themselves. A lot of the blame for that probably should be shifted onto their staff as the reality of politics now is that it is a show run behind the curtains. It's best shown toward the end of season 6 of The West Wing, where the election is ramping up and all the candidates are getting their names out there. In a couple of episodes, there are situations where a candidate chooses to say what he is thinking and gets raked over the coals for actually saying it. Unfortunately there are a lot of people who will never have seen that episode as they felt that the whole show was just a vehicle to promote "liberal" ideas. I'll admit that I thought the same thing myself, but once I watched three or four episodes, I was hooked and haven't looked back. In fact, I even found an old episode on a VHS tape and watched it (at least until the tape ran out because it was part of the overrun recording that I had done).

The reality is different of course for our politicians today - they are all concerned about polling numbers, and making sure that they vary their message depending on who they are talking to. There is an element of this as well in the West Wing, but the writers did give the characters the opportunity to speak their mind.

Where do I stand on being PC and saying the right thing? I certainly think that if you're comfortable with saying something, you definitely need to. Otherwise you might not have another chance to say it. Even if you don't think you're comfortable, you should write up what you want to say and possibly run it past a friend - they'll likely give you tips on how to improve your message and possibly remind you of things that you should include as well. I also think that you should, within reason (as in not making a direct personal attack or resorting to racial or ethnic slurs) say what you want to say in the manner that you wish to say it.

There's a lot more that could be said, not only for the words we say, but also for the actions we decide to take - especially when it comes to shielding ourselves from things. However, that's a discussion for another time.

Let it go...

There's a theme to my posts lately - that of getting myself sorted out. One of the things that this involves is getting rid of the old habits that I carry with me - such as blaming myself for small things and not being honest with myself about my feelings.

It just happens that this week's Hump Day Hmm is about letting things go. I am at a point in my life where I must let the "old" me go. If I don't, I'll wind up in a much worse situation - one where I am completely alone and probably more depressed than I have been ever. As in not wanting to get out of bed depressed.

Something that I'm doing to help keep myself focused on changing things is putting Post-It® Notes around my monitor. Right now, there are 9 of them. They are as follows -

• I will not put off things I can do today
• I will hold myself accountable for following my plans
• I will not beat myself up for anything
• I will not make excuses for anything
• I will make a to-do list every day
• I will walk every day for at least 30 mins
• I will drink more water than I have before
• My world will change when I change
  (Taken from here, point number 2)
• I will not hide my feelings

The most important one is the note about changing my world. So far, I haven't done enough to change my world. I've made starts, but I always manage to throw myself under the bus for no good reason and put myself back to where I started. One of the things about me (and I think this can be extended to a lot of people in my situation) is that I know what to say, how to say it, but then five minutes after I say it, I get rid of it. The problem with knowing what to say is that after a while, the people you say the same things over and over to will begin to not believe that you're going to do what you say. I now know that it is squarely on my shoulders to do what needs to be done, and to be proactive with changing things.

That's exactly what I did today. I told my mother that I needed to get myself sorted out, and the suggestion was given that I look into some of the free healthcare options in the area. I don't know if they can do everything I need, but it's definitely a start, and they can probably point me in the right direction to get things going.

Also, I contacted an organization about the possibility of volunteering for them in their offices; I haven't heard back from them yet, but the fact that I actually contacted them is going further than I had in the past.

It will be a long road, with ups and downs. However, I have to have confidence in myself to know that I can change, and that I can improve myself. Part of that is accountability, thus the posts about my walking, and also you'll see it come up in my weekly This was the week that was posts, updates on how I'm progressing on my way to making myself better.

My Baggage

This week's Hump Day Hmm is about what we carry with us. Not so much the physical things, but the little tidbits, stories, etc. that we all keep in the back of our minds.

For me, and I think this has a lot to do with the fact that I am still young, most of my baggage consists of memories and not so much the "life lessons" that most people have. However, I do have a couple of "mangled" sayings that I do keep in there, mostly because I like them ;)

One of the items in my memory stash are the trips that I took during my Senior year in High School. That year, we had the opportunity to go to the first Inauguration for President Bush. While I didn't march, one of the things that I remember was that while going over to the Old Post Office to pick up something to eat (I wound up getting Panda Express, if I remember correctly), I spotted then-Governor of Minnesota, Jesse Ventura interviewing a radio station. What I also remember about that day was that it was a chilly and rainy day and that a late parade didn't help things much at all, but in the end it was much worth it even if we had to leave right after seeing our group march by. The reason we had to leave was that we actually had to get back to the Rosslyn by Metro so that we could take the bus back to our hotel (which, incidentally was about a half mile from another Metro station which would have gotten us to Federal Triangle without having to chase all the way up to Rosslyn) so that we could get changed for a boat ride on the Potomac.

And since I've opened that can of worms, I may as well finish the story of the day (there is something about these Hump Day Hmms that brings back these memories to me, almost in their entirety very a) interesting and b) cool effect). While we were riding the train to Rosslyn, I had rewound my camcorder to play back the video of our band going by, but I hadn't played it back. I then started to record the trip up what seemed to be the longest escalator out there. Luckily, I stopped and didn't lose the whole band's performance. :)

So, we get back to the hotel, and it's a quick in-and-out so that we can get changed for the boat trip. After yet another trip up I-395 into the District, we get to the boat. Now, remember that this *is* January 20th, but nevertheless, we go ahead with the trip. I don't remember all the details about the trip, but I seem to remember that they encouraged folks who were couples to have photos taken. I also don't remember what was served for dinner, it might have been a beef dinner, but I'm not sure. What I do remember, however, was that they had some dancing afterward, and I wasn't feeling up to it - I was feeling a bit blah and was getting crabby; mostly, I think, because of having had a long day and just wanting to rest. Yet I was coaxed out onto the dance floor, and I had a hell of a time; someone even managed to take a photo of me (a relatively difficult thing as I like to duck cameras) and it got onto the CD slideshow that they gave all of us. After that, I walked around a bit and next thing I knew, we were back at the dock and back in the hotel.

The other trip that we took was a couple of months later, in April, and this time was a trip that was in the planning for a little bit longer than the other one (the Inaugural trip wasn't even confirmed until the very last minute before we were to go off on our Christmas vacation; that's another story that I'll have to tell later ;)), and it was a trip out to Los Angeles. This was definitely more of a vacation than the Washington trip, yet we still had to put in some work, such as marching in the Main Street USA Parade, a clinic with some Disney musicians, and a clinic at USC. One of the more interesting things that happened was that I was approached by some tourists to take their picture, which I obliged to, and to mark that, I didn't take their picture with my camera, I took a picture of the banner that they stood under. :)

It was also on that trip where I had a lot of fun - the only place that wasn't totally fun was Knott's Berry Farm. To be honest, if you're travelling in the Anaheim area, and want to know where to go, if you have young kids or really love rollercoasters, go there; otherwise it's kind of a disappointment. But, of course, your mileage may vary, and the person who didn't quite understand the concept of 2¢+3¢ = 5¢ and gave me all 5 pennies has probably moved onto another job ;). The other attraction there is the chicken - to me, it was a chicken dinner and I didn't notice anything special about it. Maybe my opinion of it would be different now; I don't know for sure :)

There is a lesson to be had in this though - if you have the opportunity to do something, go for it. It was on that trip that I missed out on a couple of cool things - one is the ride at California Adventure called Soarin' over California - I was either slow through the gate or something else so I didn't get a pass to go into there and from what I've seen, I missed a heck of a show. The other opportunity that I missed was where some of the chaperons went to the Crystal Cathedral for a tour. I would have loved to go to that instead of Knott's Berry Farm mostly because it's something that is very amazing to see on TV, but in person is about 100 times more beautiful.

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I had mentioned some sayings that I keep in my head, they're fairly logical, one's meant to be somewhat funny yet true, one's a mangled idiom, and the other one is theoretically true.

The first one is the mangled idiom. I don't know why I started saying it, but I did one day and it's stuck. Meant for those times when you're left "out to dry" or when you're in a situation with no fix, it's "(You're) up a creek without a river". Of course, changing river to paddle fixes the quote, but the sentiment is the same - if you're in a creek, you don't have a river's more powerful current to pull you along.

Next up is "Wherever you go, there you are". A very true sentiment which really doesn't mean anything. The main reason I keep it in my head is that it's something that my band director told all of us. This is the same band director who, upon seeing me listening to a radio while walking in the morning before school, christened me with the nickname of "Nuclear {Sephy}". The reasoning? Because I was "radioactive" (rimshot or crickets, your choice ;)).

And the other saying is "Never underestimate an idiot with a bad idea". I'm not sure where exactly I picked it up from, but if I had to guess it was from somewhere on Deviantart; I'm not a member there, but all the search results come from there.

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As far as the things I physically carry with me, if I go anywhere, I usually carry three or four things - my wallet, cellphone, camera, and if I think I'm almost out, extra batteries. I used to carry my scanner with me, to listen for incidents that might be out there, but I've stopped carrying it with me everywhere because it gets kinda bulky to carry with me all the time. Not only that, I need to bring headphones for it so that I can listen without having it so loud that the sound gets distorted.

It'll come back to bite ya...

This week's Hump Day Hmm.. is about the interesting concept of karma. I'll be honest and say that I really didn't believe in it until about two years ago, when I lost my job. It was the only job that I had ever had and still is the only job I'd ever had; and actually, it ties into my post about last week's Hump Day Hmm.., as this story begins where that one left off, in January 2003.

After I had left college, I had really no idea of how to go about searching for a job, so I just stayed at home every day and watched the trains go by. I even got a digital camera so that I could take pictures of the trains and work on them on my laptop. That lasted until August of that year when I got a call saying that I was going to head into the city and start working, literally that day. I guess I was ready to get to work because I only remember a little bit of nervousness, which I would think is predictable for someone who's never experienced working before; not even the odd summer job during high school like just about everybody else.

It turned out that for a little while, even though I was putting in a full 8-hour day, I wouldn't get paid and would be considered a "volunteer" for that period. In the end, it was three weeks before I started getting a paycheck, and it wasn't that bad of pay - $9 per hour, and I was quite content. Most of the contentment came from the fact that I was promised that I'd work as a temp worker for six months, and then it'd be a shoo-in to become a full-time employee, with benefits. Well, about three months into working, I thought I was fitting in well with the job, and apparently I had enough of an independent streak that I got moved from my cubicle all the way over to the other end of the floor. Certainly, I could (and can still) use the exercise, but it didn't make much sense to me to be split off from the rest of my department. Yet, I didn't complain because there was this promise hanging over my head.

So, about a month into my stint at the far end of the office, I got frustrated at some of the people who were sending work to me because they wouldn't fill in a form correctly or something like that. Apparently, I complained loud enough (and using the wrong words, including calling someone who wasn't there stupid) that it was heard by someone who reported me to my boss. I was then hauled into their office, given a lecture about respect, forced to follow a new procedure that slowed me down a lot, and to top it all off, I had to print out definitions of some words like honor and respect and memorize the definitions. If you thought that wasn't the worst, sit down for this one. While I was being lectured, I was told that I'd keep my job, but if it were someone else, my boss would have fired me. This person went on to tell me that people asked them why they didn't give money to charities and they said that basically, it was people like me who were how they gave to charity. In other words, I was a charity case to my boss.

After that, I never did actually see much of my boss, other than every the occasional Monday when I had to have this person sign my time slip because I obviously couldn't be trusted with being honest with my working hours. Heck, the slip was never looked at, just signed off on and given back to me to fax to my temp office. Come to think of it, I never saw that much of my boss. I didn't mind though unless I needed my slip signed; I can't tell you how many times on a Monday, I'd get to 3:00 and not have it signed, causing me to panic about getting it signed so that I'd get paid that week.

But I digress. Six months go by and no job offer comes to me as a surprise. I did, however, finally get to move back over to the original area where I worked after the person whose cubicle I took over moved into the supply closet next door (it did make sense for that move since they did control the stocks of that room, and it is a fairly large room). In the time that I worked there, at least four or five people came into there, worked as temps for a while and then got hired full time there. Yet, here I was, a year into my employment, still a temp and still making $9/hour (regular employees were eligible for merit raises, mostly 3-5%). I was well liked by almost everybody in the department, save for one person who not many people liked.

Another little tidbit is that because I was a temp, I didn't get sick days or vacation days, so I put in probably more work than anyone else in that office, yet everyone else would take a week off here, a day off there. I also was never late, even when the weather was bad, and even when the person I got a ride from took the day off, they made it a point to get me to work on time. The only times I took off work were on the holidays when nobody else worked (Memorial Day, 4th of July, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Day), two days in September 2004 to look after my mother when she had a minor surgery, one sick day in March 2005, and a couple days in December 2004 to go out of town for Christmas. All during this time, I was promised that I'd get the job just, but there was always an excuse as to why I couldn't - first was that I needed a license (never minding that I had a dependable ride, and backups available, plus there was always the bus that I could take). Then it was that there weren't any openings, then the last excuse I heard was that there was a hiring freeze on (even though people were being hired in other parts of the company).

That takes us to June 2005. I don't know what it was about the building, a lack of oxygen or possibly a lack of sleep on my part, but I would (and I'm willing to admit it now) nod off for a minute or two, but it would only happen when there was nothing to do, and not after 9am, when business would pick up for me, not that it should matter since I didn't have to see customers who would come into the front office (one good side effect of being a temp; a bad side effect was that I maybe went to three meetings the whole time, and never heard anything that happened in them). Apparently someone saw me, and instead of trying to get my attention, they got my boss's attention. That led up the chain to my manager at the temp agency getting the word about it. I get home and there's a message from the temp agency saying that I needed to call right away. I was told that I was caught sleeping on the job and that the punishment for that was immediate termination. No warnings, just "You were sleeping, you're fired". I was oh-so-kindly told that I could come in on Tuesday and work a last day, but what was the point? I could understand if I was parting ways on my terms, but I was fired and I was told that there were no other positions that I could possibly get. So I went in that evening, and cleaned my desk out and haven't been back since.

Now, here's where the karma comes in. Since I was fired, I applied for Unemployment compensation through the state. They definitely did not want to pay for it as they found every transgression I may have done, and a lot more that I didn't and told that to the state. Among the things they said I did were swearing on the job, aside from the incident I mentioned above, I had had more outbursts at work, and that I was told that I would be fired if my behavior did not improve. Of course, I had a few items going in my favor - chiefly among them was the line that I was a "charity case", along with the fact that there was never an employee handbook given to me, I had not been warned again after the incident above, not aware that my job was in jeopardy, and also that I was a diligent employee.

After the state investigated, they determined that I did indeed have a right to receive benefits, at a rate of about 50% of my previous gross income. The company didn't appeal (they had the right to) the decision, probably realizing that if they did, the whole story about the promise of a job would come out and it would probably turn into a nightmare for them. A couple of months later or so, word came to me that my boss was leaving the company quite suddenly. The line that was given was that my boss was leaving to explore other options, but considering how quickly it happened, the speculation was that they were told to leave or get fired, likely over the whole incident with me.

I still have a couple of contacts from there; I don't talk to them all that often, but from what I last heard, the manager above my boss (in the same company) has moved up the ladder, not surprising considering that they have worked up from the bottom. The irony is that the son of the manager started working there shortly before I left, and he was, well, much more liked than I ever was - mostly the pucker factor of schmoozing with the manager's son will make them more favorable. He also seems to like to lounge around until he is supposed to start; I know that when I got there early, I would always go straight to work, and I never claimed the extra time over the hours I worked. Lastly, and this was something that was noticeable almost right away after I left, I heard that things weren't quite the same there. The people who took my position (and it took at least two to do that) weren't as efficient or as attentive to details as I was and still am. In fact, as far as I know, there are still major errors being made from time to time.

So, yeah, I think karma is definitely out there; it doesn't always come around to balance the score, but generally, if the misdeed is big enough, karma will be there to sort it out.

Fear of Failure

This is the first time that I'm doing this particular meme, called the Hump Day Hmm. Just a note that this is a very, very long post (nearly 1,700 words according to Word).

The topic set out this week is this - Have you kept a secret or have you lied, directly or by omission, about something big? How did you make your decision---did it bring about justice? How did forgiveness fit in (or not)? Would you do it the same next time?

I think the biggest thing that I have ever lied about is failing in school; it's something that I'm not particularly proud of, but at the time, I didn't want to be embarrassed about it. Generally, one of the first things that you'll hear from someone who knows me really well is that I am a very intelligent person. This is something that has stuck to me for almost all of my life, considering that I started reading when I was something like three or four years old; before I started school. In fact, one thing that I remember about my early days in school was being able to count to what I thought in kindergarten to be a large number - seventy or so.

Also, I was determined by the school to be so advanced for kindergarten that they moved me up to the first grade. For a while, I was there for a couple of hours, and then when they had their lunch, I would go down to my afternoon kindergarten, but then with about six weeks left in the year, I was moved there on a permanent basis. (Side note: As I'm writing this, I'm seeing mental pictures of my classrooms in my head; it's kinda freaky).

So, anyway, I went through first, second and third grades with no real issues, but then when I hit fourth grade, I had some issues with my reading homework; I don't really remember much about it. The only thing that I remember was that if I didn't have my work done, I wanted to stay home. Not necessarily to get it home, but just to avoid being there to not turn it in (I never actually had homework until part of the way through third grade; nowadays I hear stories about kindergarteners getting work to take home and it makes me cringe). Ironically, one of the incidents that I remember was asking to stay home for the first inauguration of President Clinton; I think the reason that I wanted to stay home is that I wanted to watch it - nothing more. So, as the year went on, my grade in reading went down; it might have ahit a failing grade, but I think I managed to spare myself through some extra credit. I don't remember it as well as the next time I wound up having trouble in school.

A couple of years pass by, and I'm now in the 8th grade. It's a new school building (which looks remarkably like a jail, just with casement windows and without bars on them), and new teachers. Also, add in middle school kids who aren't the kindest ones around; they always picked on me for being overweight and not totally fitting into the rest of the class. At some point along the track, I started to just not care. Homework would go unfinished and not turned in; projects would go on the wayside for no good reason; and things just kind of fell apart. At home, I tried to put on the façade of everything going well. However, the progress reports (on which I would try to hide the grades on and only show the line where it was to be signed) and the report cards (which I actually would make sure that I got home first to intercept so that my mom didn't see) showed the truth. I was failing Reading. Again.

Not only that, the grades in my other classes (except for math, science, and band) weren't that spectacular. I probably still have the letter from my brother where he takes me to task for failing reading, basically saying that it was ridiculous and that I need to fix it. In all honesty, I should have been able to fix it, and I did make an effort to do it, but not enough of one. I still remember at the end of the year, I was thinking that I had managed to get the grades sorted out enough that I could be part of the graduation ceremonies and go on the class field trip to the local amusement park. I even turned in a check for the trip, but then I got asked to come to the front of the class to pick up the check as I hadn't fixed my grades. I also was not eligible for the graduation because of the situation I put myself in.

However, and I consider myself fortunate for this, the solution to the problem was to attend summer school. I only had to fill in my reading curriculum for the year, and the task that I had was to read some books (which they held for me; all I needed to bring was a notebook, pen, and myself), and write short book reports on them. And I did just that, and wound up being able to leave summer school within two weeks or so; a much shorter time than just about everyone else there for remedial 8th grade studies.

You would think that after this experience I would have learnt my lesson and made sure that if I needed help to swallow my pride and ask for it. Well, that didn't happen when I got into college. In all honesty, I probably should have delayed going for a year, as I don't think that I did want to go; I only ever applied for one school, and that was at the very end of the application period. I didn't apply for any scholarships, which if I would have, I probably could have wound up with a free ride to any school I wanted, but that's all in the past now, and quite honestly, I am glad that I got out of there because it wasn't working out for me.

The first semester I was there went fairly well; I managed to get As and Bs (though I think that there might have been a C in there, from my physics class). Second semester started off pretty good, but it didn't last. About three weeks into the term, I had to go back home because my mom was going to have heart surgery. Sure, I got all the work that I had to do, but really my mind was elsewhere. The worst part of all was that I knew I had to get back up to school and keep going with my education. I really didn't want to; I would have been quite happy if I could have stayed home to make sure everything was OK. One memory that sticks quite strongly in my mind is when I was heading back up there on the train, I started to compose an email to a teacher who was and still is a friend of mine and while doing it I literally broke down in my seat. It was really a case of the emotion just getting to me, and just trying to let it go.

After I got back up there, the same thing happened then as happened in 8th grade - I got to a point where I just didn't want to be there. I didn't understand what was going on with my classes; I started to feel swamped by the work, and just kind of gave up. I never really looked at the report card for that semester, but all I know is that I wound up on academic probation for the next semester; I believe that I actually wound up failing every one of my classes for the semester. At home, I just kept the usual "everything's fine" act up. The third semester went slightly better; I was in a slightly different situation where I had started out sharing a dorm, but soon my roommate moved to a different room, leaving me to be by myself. I got to the end of the semester and I made the decision that I had had enough. It was time to get out of there, but I didn't know how to say it when I got home for the Christmas/New Year break.

When I finally decided to say something, it was about a week before I had to go back, and I just said that I didn't want to go back, mainly because (and I'm not sure if I actually mentioned this) I had failed classes again in the last semester and since I was on probation already, they wouldn't have allowed me to take any more classes. It really didn't go over too well, but it would have been much worse if we would have gotten all the way there, dropped me and my stuff off and then had to call and say that I wasn't allowed to stay in school because I had failed classes last semester, and the one before that, causing me to be on suspension.

I think that if I were to be in the same position, I'd be more likely to say something about it, but there is the very high likelihood that I would try to hide it because I don't like admitting that I have failed, but it's a part of life and it's something that I've come to accept, especially when I realize how many successes I've actually had so far, along with the fact that I am very intelligent; it's just that I don't have the type of intelligence that was being looked for in the classes that I failed in.

By the way, in my third semester, I did manage to actually get an A in one of my classes - a basic geology course which was a very fun course where I had a Monday-night lab with mostly part-time students.